Mrs. FWL and I both graduated from one of the best public universities in the world (GO BEARS!), and we both earned our Master’s degrees. We wrote countless papers, read tons of books, and memorized facts that we forgot the second they were used. And we plan on instilling the same dedication to school in Isabel. (She kind of has no choice with a mother and two grandmothers for educators.) But, certain activities that we must now perform as parents, are actually harder than college.
1. Applying sunscreen to a baby – They squirm, bite, and gouge you with their razor sharp talons. Getting near their face isn’t worth the meltdown, so don’t even try.
2. Folding laundry – The definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results. Well, I bet “folding laundry” has a GIF of a parent with a little asshole toddler next to them, repeatedly folding the same shirt as their toddler throws it, over, and over, and over again. If I took a shot of tequila for every time she threw the shirt I had just folded, I would be drunk in 3 minutes.
3. Drinking coffee – Parents need the caffeinated black gold. But drinking it with a kid in your lap is risky. So we are faced with a dilemma – personal survival or 3rd degree burns?
4. Meals – Remember when you used to get home and just “figure out” what to eat for dinner? Yea, not anymore! Mrs. FWL painstakingly plans our meals two weeks at a time, to prevent the inevitable disaster (or bank account drain) at the end of a long day. And I know for a fact that it is one of her most hated activities in the entire world.
5. Weekends – No more binging on HGTV, the little tyrant won’t have any of that inactivity! And when our bundle of joy refuses to nap longer than an hour (on a good day), that means we have to figure out how to fill up 11 hours with something. Taking meaningless trips to Target (thank goodness for the in-house Starbucks) has become a regular thing, sitting on the porch while the banshee roams the driveway as if it were Disneyland, has never been so enjoyable, and allowing her small amounts of Sesame Street (GASP!) in the mornings, so I can at least read the Sports section, has become acceptable.
6. Wiping their face – Apparently this is equivalent to torture, for us. We have to endure the blood curdling screams of our child getting clean (god forbid)! But you know what, I couldn’t care less about the judgy thoughts others may form about her dirty face, because it’s simply not worth the emotional wrestling match to deal with it.
7. Saying “No” to another book – I read a ton in college and grad school, and I never thought I would say it, but reading Isabel another book isn’t always so bad. Sure, it may be the same one we’ve read 9 times in the last 16 minutes, but if she enjoys it, I enjoy it. And if it encourages her to “read” on her own, then hell yes I’ll read it again!
Now, where’s my tequila?
Do you have anything to add to this list?
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